Finally had the courage to post this after months of staring at this post editor and revising it multiple times.
At one point, I couldn’t bear to look at my website anymore.
I suddenly hated my own art.
I hated looking at my artworks. With my current mood and attitude with drawing, I keep thinking I’ll never finish a piece again. I’ll never reach or (better yet) surpass them anytime soon.
I suddenly get so irritated whenever I couldn’t draw. Sometimes, I find myself opening a blank Clip Studio canvas then go back to bed after. Three days would passed and I haven’t done anything. I would only go out 2-3 times to the bathroom or fetch a meal at 2am.
When I actually finish drawing something, regardless if it’s a coloured sketch or not, I’ll immediately feel bad because I only drew it just to see if I can still draw something. It’s not really something I wanted to draw or do.
Some time ago, I implemented a mini side blog on this site which was for random ramblings or little notes that didn’t warrant a full feature. I wasn’t expecting anyone to read them but I thought it’s a nice addition to keep my site a bit alive from time to time. Eventually, I found myself posting stuff ranging from unpleasant anecdotes to rants–basically overflowing negativity. Some were even slipped in unrelated posts. Then it hit me, keeping these up weren’t really nice and healthy but it’s not really easy going through every post trying to find these so I just enabled a blanket over my site, making everything inaccessible. (Then I forgot WordPress has an issue where editing posts could cripple my site with requests because of a bug.)
Going to be honest, 2016 is really the worst year yet for me and I thought it couldn’t be worse than 2011.
I already predicted I’m gonna be on a massive emotional roller coaster ride since January but I didn’t anticipate it would be this bad.
I was at my lowest during the end of July. Prior to that, I began talking less to people, particularly my friends because I didn’t want to rub off my negativity or just drag everyone else down. Looking back, I can’t even laugh it off as me being silly and too emotional. I tried my hardest to function normally on Twitter, but now I can’t even stand looking at most of my tweets.
I lost my motivation to do creative works and I’ve been forcing myself to come back to it. And when I thought I’ve finally overcome this problem, it kicks me back down and the cycle repeats. I enter a new cycle of self-loathing over the days I wasted lying on the bed doing nothing but I also can’t be bothered getting up.
I wasn’t exactly burned out? I had a lot of creative urges but I couldn’t bring myself doing them. I was constantly feeling guilty whenever I would attempt to do these because of the unfinished things under it–ideas after ideas but going nowhere. The constant fear of not being able to finish anything satisfactory made me barely finish anything. Additionally, I was handling some real life stuff for months (paperwork; scary adult stuff lol) and it was wearing me out. Sometimes even if I was done with my daily responsibilities, I’d either feel bad or just tired. I was losing sleep over this.
Earlier this year, there were talks about me moving overseas and I couldn’t be more excited since I waited almost ten years for this.
I deleted my personal Twitter but it was for a couple of reasons like privacy issues but mainly it became a source of my stress and I didn’t need more of that. I actually feel a whole lot better right after that.
I eventually remade an account but only to keep touch with some people and I’m not exactly using it at the moment for general bantering. Sometimes I even forget the login details for it.
So I said I may be finally moving out at the end of 2016 but I’m still here. It’s not really easy and it’s frustrating me further. There were some major factors on why things didn’t work out like how I wanted to. I could write a blog post on why but I don’t feel like writing more at the moment.
Life is truly unfair I guess.
I think I’m a bit better now in comparison to 2016 me. I’m a bit more optimistic and positive about life so that’s good. But as for being back on my creative mood 100%, I’m not sure about that. I try to feel less guilty and just do whatever what comes in my mind because not doing anything just makes me feel more miserable.
If my online presence suddenly disappears, don’t worry. I’m just taking a long-deserved break. I plan to do this once I move.
I omitted some details as they’re too personal and I don’t want to make this post about throwing shade on some people. If I posted this a few months earlier, it’s going to be messier because of my current state of mind that time.