I want to be selfish and quit.

Since this is a very dead part of my personal space I think I can comfortably write this one here. Be warned that my thoughts are all over the place so this post might be incoherent.

This was a difficult decision but it was something that’s been on my mind on and off. Whenever my head starts playing with the idea, I try to convince myself hard to consider holding on a bit longer. Now repeat that every month, or for the last 3 years or so and get almost the same result.

Isn’t this insanity?

Every time I ask for a small show of support I truly feel incredibly guilty and demanding as if I do not deserve it. Every time I ask I feel like it’s a shameful crime.

But a worse feeling than this is to keep doing the same thankless grind then be subjected to disrespectful actions by certain individuals. I sound like an unhinged broken record whenever I vent my frustrations about people disrespecting my works.

I’m not even asking people to throw money at me. The bare minimum I ask people is to respect my works but it seems to be such a difficult concept!

I ask myself, why am I still doing this?

I’m not the same 18-year old girl who had lots of spare time to lose.

The reality of the now is I’m burning through my free time doing something that’s completely unsatisfying. Free time at this age is a luxury.

The community I belong to has drastically changed. I just think it’s not a good place to try and thrive anymore.

Spending my time in this community is becoming a liability rather than a space to indulge in leisurely hobbies. It is just simply becoming unsustainable to keep going.

I do not wish for this to keep eating into my mental health.

So what will happen from here?

For this year, I’ll be gradually reducing my community interactions until it’s time to transition away. It’s for the best. For almost a decade, I’ve done my best to stay away from petty community drama and hope to keep it that way until the end. Unfortunately there’s only so much walking around eggshells that I can endure, I’m craving for a break.

On my birthday, I’ll do another assessment if it’s time to go.

I’m so sorry to the people I met and the friends I made, I honestly feel like I’m betraying you all but again this was a very hard decision to make. I would also like to thank the people who stuck up with me, thanks for providing me a little solace in this sea of insanity. I honestly don’t know how else to phrase this without sounding like an ungrateful piece of shit, I’m really sorry.

I am however grateful for the time I’ve spent in this community. You can say it motivated me to learn and try new things I would never even imagine doing. I just think my stay has run its course and I should see myself at the door.

Where am I going from here?

Maybe writing this was a rash decision, I dunno. But I can’t deny the pent up frustrations and resentment I’ve been harbouring for so long now.

Maybe I’ll surface again somewhere to start anew but I beg anyone of you to not follow me out of pity.

 

1 month ago