If you see me sell out, no you didn’t

If I happen to be your favourite “content creator” from the Vocaloid fandom, this post is mostly for you. I don’t ever want to see any of you write how you miss me so please read this.

Almost every day I see shit takes of people shaming others who hustle with “hobbies” because something something capitalism is evil.

I sincerely hope none of them are entitled they can’t watch/play [current popular thing] coz it’s paywalled or none of them are still living in the comfort of their parents as a safety net.

People who do hobbies for fun and who can find a way to hustle with it are two concepts that can co-exist.

Then comes the nuance if you as a person who do these hobbies come from a place of privilege–

oh no, I’m starting to sound like a white twitter liberal so I’ll stop there.

Anyway…

I’m a boring person who do not have much hobbies actually. Vocaloid/vocal synth stuff is probably my second “real” hobby aside from drawing which a lot of people think is not a real profession as they drop thousands of dollars on a gacha game PNG.

However I owe a lot of stuff to this hobby. Learned some audio editing, how to make my own videos and most importantly I forced myself to draw men because the thirst isn’t going to quench itself unfortunately.

My works have gotten a following throughout the years and I’m grateful for that. But unfortunately I’m going to be real with whoever is reading this, I can’t really keep this going at the usual pace if there’s some.

As I grow older, I find myself with less time and more responsibilities. It’s tempting to make this post about how I should start aggressively grifting money to stay doing what you guys are used to seeing me do but I think I’m going to take a different turn instead.

Self-doubt often plagues me. I think my personality is very hard to sell so I don’t exactly have that appeal. Nowadays hustling as an artist on the internet has gotten tougher, not only you need to make “content”, you really have to sell your personality in order to make it. I don’t want any of it.

I’ve given up promoting my Patreon or commissions with full confidence since it’s just incredibly disheartening not being able to continue sustaining this hobby that people praise me for. Who doesn’t want free shit, right?

However, I’m extremely grateful to the four people who’s subscribed to my Patreon and a few friends who regularly commission me. They at least give me a reason to draw something per month, even if it’s out of obligation. At least they keep my self-worth in check.

I promised myself to never return to the state I was in 2016. It was miserable.

Looking at myself back then, I just feel pity and anger. Without going much into detail, at one point I hated the fact I could draw.

Couldn’t stand seeing my own art, I was wallowing in self-loathing that I’m useless waste of air who only knew how to draw. I felt furious seeing people take my art and gain from it that I even wished they get run over by a truck tomorrow and die miserably.

I didn’t draw anything for months.

Oh we’re getting a bit of a downer territory here so I’ll just get to the point.

Without sounding entitled hopefully, sorry to say that the things I do have become a thankless hobby over time. I won’t name names but I really do not appreciate it when people praise my works only to deliver a backhanded follow up that I should do more for their approval. For their approval?! Bitch, none of you aren’t even paying me and you’re all getting these for free.

So I think I had enough.

The vocal synth fandom has gotten bigger as much as people who scream “vocaloid is dead” don’t want to admit. The very foundation of the vocal synth fandom are content creators, there will be plenty of people making content for your faves. So I think it’s alright if I take a break from it or actually leave, you’ll have a lot of options. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a community with a high creator to consumer ratio aside from the brony fandom. The anime fandom is a consumerist trash fire in comparison.

I’m shifting to the stuff I currently enjoy. My time is precious. I’m no longer the same girl who had lots of free time doing “fun” things.

Ending this post, I guess I just sound like a bitter hag who kept holding on. Maybe I am.

If the new things I get into blow up and provide more opportunities to me than what I currently stand on, no I did not sell out. You could have prevented this.

2 months ago